Worth theFight: Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Swan dive down eleven stories high
Hold your breath until you see the light
You can sink to the bottom of the sea
Just don't go without me
Go get lost where no one can be found
Drink so long and deep until you drown
C’est La Mort-The Civil Wars

“You seem distracted.” Didyme observed.

“Huh?” I replied dumbly, turning my half eaten apple back and forth in my hands. Didyme, Maria, and I were all sitting outside on one of the picnic table during our lunch break.

“My point exactly. I’ve been talking to you were the past ten minutes and all you’ve being doing is nodding your head with the occasional “uh huh” coming from your mouth. Am I really that boring?” Didyme pondered. Maria rubbed her hand soothingly.

“Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind.” I answered truthfully. I really did. So many thoughts seem to plague me every second and minute of the day. Of course I wouldn’t let her know that. I kept tossing my apple from hand to hand.

“You know you can talk to us right? We’re both good listeners and despite what you may think or believe we may understand more than you realize. Maybe not now, but someday whenever you ready, okay?” Maria said. I stopped tossing my apple core.

 It was actually the first time she ever directly spoken to me. I smiled in thanks.

We sat there for a few more minutes relishing in the rare sunlight. I was lost in my thoughts once more and stared down blankly at the apple in my hands when Didyme broke me from my thoughts.

“Hey Bella, have you ever twisted the stem of an apple by reciting the alphabet and whatever letter the stem breaks off is the first letter of the person you’re going to fall in love with?” She asked. I gave her a skeptical look.

“What, are we ten? You actually believe in that superstition? That a piece of fruit can help you determine the person you’re going to fall for? Sounds like a load of crap to me.”

“It works! Every time I did it, it would break off on the letter M, and what do you know?” she gestured to Maria who gave her a sloppy kiss upon her cheek. I looked at her in disbelief.

“Just do it!” She pushed. “Fine.” I huffed.

“A, B, C, D, E-” the apple stem broke off on the letter E.

“Well there you go.  You’re going to fall for someone whose name begins with the letter E.” Didyme beamed.

“That doesn’t mean anything.  I’ve been tossing my apple in my hand since we’ve been out here, it could just be a random letter.” I grumbled.

“Here take mine.” Maria said passing me her half eaten pear. I grimaced.

“Humor me.” She deadpanned. I did it again and once more, the stem broke off on the letter E. The both of them began laughing harmoniously.

“Just a coincidence.” I huffed; hopping down off the picnic table just at the lunch bell rang. I grabbed my book bag and began walking to class.

“Yeah Bella, a coincidence.” She bellowed.

……………………

“Get up and get dressed Bells.” Phil said barging into my room. I sighed and pulled my ear buds from my ears.

“Uncle Phil, what if I had been naked? You can’t barge in like that.” I mocked.

“First, you weren’t, and second, I’ll put that into consideration, but since it’s my house for the time being, I go and come in as I please.” He replied crossing his arms. I flopped back down on the bed.

“Why can’t we spend our Fridays inside? It’s rainy and mucky outside.” I gestured to the window where the rain was softly pelting against the window.

“That’s why they invented ponchos and rain boots, duh!” I rolled my eyes.” Now get up, we’re going into Seattle for a little bit.”

“What’s in Seattle?”

“Just wait and see.” He grinned.

“Uncle Phil, I’m not in the mood. You know how hard last night was for me.” Phil gave me a solemn look as he remembered last night’s events.

I had just finished doing a load of laundry, listening to the radio play a few easy listening tunes. I was just putting a few things away when the “song” came on. “Our song” as my mother had called it.

“Mom, do you think two people can ever fall out of love?” I asked. My mother and I were sitting in the living room in front of the television. The volume was cut down low, an occasional murmur of chatter breaking the sweet silence. I was snuggled against my mother’s side, her arm wrapped around my shoulder while she played with a strand of my hair.

She looked down at me, her blue eyes full of questions. “Where did that come from?” I shook my head and sighed. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell her what I knew.

“Nowhere. I was just curious about it, that’s all.” I answered. She was silent for a moment before letting out a labored breath.

“Yes, I do think that two people can fall out of love with one another. Love is a tricky thing. It can come at you fast or ease itself in very carefully. It’s also very fragile. It can bring you joy and happiness or immense sorrow and pain. If there’s too much of the latter, than yes, two people are capable of falling out of love.” she replied.

“What about other people? Family for instance. What about that kind of love?” I asked. She looked back down at me.

“Well that kind of love is a completely different story. That kind of love is something that never goes away. No matter what that person does or says to hurt you, you always find it in your heart to forgive them. It’s something so big and grand that you feel like your heart swells until it seems like it can’t fit in your chest. Sometimes it’s just indescribable.”

“That sounds very cliché and bookish to me.” I huffed. My mother giggled.

“Oh it does. What I described is just how I felt when I laid my eyes on you.” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh yes, because everyone fawns over a little red faced wrinkled baby.”

“Your father and I did. We might be biased, but you were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Soft flushed skin, a head full of soft brown hair and these huge eyes so full of wonder and curiosity. I love your father but the love I felt when I saw you; to know I had brought this little person into the world, is a feeling I will keep with me for the rest of my life. I may have been young at the time, but I knew then that this was what love felt like.” She replied, and I could tell her voice was beginning to catch in her throat.

“My sweet Isabella, no matter what you do in life or who you become, I just want you to know that I love you so much. I never want you to forget that. I will love you no matter what you do in this crazy world. The both of us, alright.” She cooed, pressing a kiss to my temple. I closed my eyes and fell silent. My heart was beating wildly in my chest.

How could she love me when I knew something that could possibly break her? Tears threatened to fall from my eyes as the fear of what could be filled my mind.

My mother began stroking her hands through my hair as she hummed our favorite song. As much as I loved my father, my mother and I shared a bond that only a mother and daughter could have. She kept humming until she brokenly sang into the oncoming darkness.

And when she wraps her hand around my finger,
How it puts a smile in my heart,
Everything becomes a little clearer,
I realize what life is all about,
It's hanging on when your heart has had enough,
It's giving more when you feel like giving up,

Her voice cracked on the last line.

I’ve seen the light, in my daughter’s eyes.

She continued to stroke my hair until I felt myself succumbing to the depths of sleep, while her words haunted me.

“I will love you no matter what you do…”

“I will love you no matter what you do…”

“I will love you no matter what you do….”

Phil found me basically catatonic as I laid on the floor staring off into space. It was after he threatened calling emergency services that I snapped out of it.  I really couldn’t sleep that night until the early hours of the morning. That was the only reason Phil decide against letting me attend school today as well as himself so that we both could get some much needed rest.

“Come on, we need to get out for a bit.” He encouraged.

“Must we?

“Yes, please. We leave in five.” He cheered, bouncing out the room. Yes, bouncing out the room. He seemed to be too enthusiastic to have my company than I was of his. After grudgingly pulling myself off my bed, I threw on my sneakers and went outside where Phil was eagerly waiting for me in the car. I rolled my eyes at his antics and hopped in beside him wondering what in the world he had in store for me.

We drove for about two and a half hours, going a little ways past the outskirts of Seattle, where there was a lot of lush forestry and fields. Deciding to play a little with him, I turned in my seat to face him.

“Uncle Phil, you aren’t trying to kill me are you? Cut me up and hide me in the bushes where animals can find my body, and eat my entrails so that the police won’t ever find me are you?” I asked with a straight face.

Phil began choking on his own spit as he looked at me alarmed.

“Good lord, Bella! Where do you get that from? Such a very inappropriate thing to say.” He boomed. I shrugged my shoulders. “You never know.” He gave me an incredulous look before directing his attention back to the road.

We drove for a couple more minutes in silence until he turned down a lone road where I could see other cars turning down. We continued down the road until I looked up and saw a huge sign glaring at me in the face.

“You have got to be kidding me.” I breathed as we passed under the illuminated sign blinking “Davy Smith’s Local Fair” in Technicolor lights.

“You’re seriously trying to kill me aren’t you?”  Phil laughed as we parked in one of the open fields.

“Nah, but I’m trying to get you to have fun, if it’s the last thing I do.” He cheered.

“Good luck with that.” I replied sarcastically.

……

“My wallet feels so empty!” Phil groaned. I laughed and hugged my $30 worth of failed attempts of shooting a ball into a hoop stuffed pig. It was huge, purple and the cutest thing I had ever seen. I may have been seventeen, but I was still a girl and I loved stuffed animals. I squeezed it against my chest.

“Thanks Uncle Phil.” I smiled.

‘You welcome kid. Let’s go get something to eat. Carnival food is the best.” I followed behind him as we headed over towards the various concession stands. I sat down at one of the picnic tables settling my pig I nicknamed Nee beside me. I was waiting for Phil’s return when I felt a small tap on my shoulder.

 I turned around and looked up into the amused blue eyes of Didyme and of course beside her was Maria.

“Bella!” she squealed giving me a hug. Maria gave me a small wave.

“What are you doing here? You weren’t in school today. I feared you were sick, but Maria here told me to leave it alone. Are you okay?” Di rambled.

“Yeah I’m fine. I’m here with my Uncle Phi-, Jesus did you buy everything they had?” I scrambled off the bench towards Phil who was struggling to keep all the food and drinks he had in his hands. He had to have had gotten nearly one of everything on the menu. He gave me a sheepish grin

“I didn’t know what you preferred and I’m hungry, so I thought why not get one of everything?”

“You know we can’t eat all of that right?”

“We sure as hell can try. Oh hello girls.”

“Hi Coach Dwyer!” They both squealed. I rolled my eyes. The irony that despite the fact they were both lesbians, the two of them had admitted to me if given the chance, they would love do it with my uncle. Gross.

“No its Phil to you outside of school. Especially since you’re Bella’s friends. By the way, why aren’t you girls in school right now?” He asked. I looked down at my watch. He was right. It was only 1:30 and school didn’t let out until three.

Didyme began to blush. “Oh just for special purposes, uh Maria, let’s get to the Ferris wheel before the line gets too long. Bye Bella, Mr. Dwy-, uh Phil.” She rambled pulling a disgruntled Maria behind her.

“Well that was odd, wasn’t it?” I muttered. I turned back to Phil who was now stuffing his face with cotton candy and bites of hot dog simultaneously. I wrinkled my face up at him.

‘That’s gross.”

“Tastes delicious to me.” He grinned. I rolled my eyes and began picking at the nachos he laid out before me. Surprisingly, they were delicious and I showed my enthusiasm by stuffing multiple chips into my mouth.

We continued eating over comfortable silence when I noticed a couple of shadows behind me. I turned around to see it was Ms. Esme along with a huge burly guy and a small short haired woman. I stopped eating and looked down at my lap, hoping they would quickly greet us and leave. Unfortunately, nothing ever goes my way.

“Hi Phil, Isabella!” Esme cheered. I fought the urge to correct her. “What are you guys doing here?” Why else would someone be here? Dumb question. Of course I didn’t vocalize that.

“Just decided to spend a Friday out with my favorite niece. She had a rough night and I thought she could use a little entertainment.” Phil answered. I kicked him in the knee. He groaned.

“I’m your only niece.” I grumbled, appalled that he was letting everyone know my business. I noticed the small woman and burly guy had seen my kick to Phil’s knee and were eyeing me curiously.

“Well that’s okay; we all have our rough nights. Want to talk about it?” Esme encouraged. Her gaze was so motherly that I yearned for that own look from my own mother. Then I remembered I would never have that look from her again.

 She was dead.

I had killed her.

My breath caught in my throat and I knew I was on the verge of a panic attack. I could feel the tears beginning to brim in my eyes. Not wanting them to see my breakdown, I closed my eyes.

“Not really. Uncle Phil, I’m really not hungry anymore. I’m going to walk around for a bit.” I stuttered out, practically falling out of my seat as I got up.

“Bella…” Phil said but I didn’t catch the rest of it as I pushed through the crowds of people. I made it over to a clearing by the bathrooms and collapsed.

 I brought up my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I took a few deep breaths and before I knew it, sobs were shaking throughout my whole body. With each breath I took, it seemed like more and more tears began to fall. I was glad I was far back enough that no one could see or hear me, since the noises I was making seemed to be nothing of this world.

After about ten minutes, I could feel myself beginning to calm down.  I raised my head from my knees and saw that my tears had completely soaked through my jeans. It was also then that I noticed that I was not alone.

“You know I was in this exact position a couple of years ago.” It was the small short haired woman. She was sitting Indian style beside me, fingering a strand of her short jet black hair. She couldn’t have been more than a couple of years older than me and yet had this certain maturity about her as she looked at me with honest grey eyes.

“How much of that did you see?” I asked, my voice cracking on the last word.

“Enough to know that you need to let it out. My name’s Allison Brandon, but people call me Alice.” She gestured out her hand for me to take. I shook it wearily.

“I’m pretty sure you know all about me huh?”

“I only know your name. Your business is yours to tell. All I can do is listen.” She replied.

“Why did you follow me?”

“You look like you needed someone to talk to. Maybe share a little?” she pushed.

“What is up with everyone wanting me to share about how I feel? No offense to you  Alice, but  I don’t know you from Adam so excuse me when I say that you and Ms. Esme are probably the last people I want to confide in at the moment.” I replied standing up. I wiped away a few stray tears that fell from my eyes.

“You know anger, is the first sign of someone crying out for help.” Alice said standing up. She really was small; she couldn’t have been any taller than 5 feet. She dusted her body off and stood in front of me.

“Excuse me when I say this Alice, but fuck help.” I replied, storming away. I pushed through the crowds with Alice trailing behind me until I found Phil who was still with Ms. Esme and the burly man; although I had noticed that their group had gotten impeccably bigger.

Phil looked relieved when he saw me and ran over to me.

“Bells, honey are you alright?” He asked, pressing me to his chest.

“Bella?” I didn’t answer him as I peeked through the nook of his arm and saw Ms. Rosalie, along with Didyme and Maria looking at me with concerned looks.  Oh great they were all here to witness my humiliation.

Ms. Esme was off to the side talking to her husband who had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere and were looking at me with concerned looks.

 Alice was back and walked over beside Ms. Rosalie and the huge burly man. A tall blonde man was conversing quietly with another blonde man and woman throwing a few glances my way. Even the kids behind them were looking at me strangely.

This was just great; I had become the side show attraction of the fair. I snuggled my face against Phil’s chest.

“Bella?” he asked, against my head.

“Can we please go home?”

“What?”

“Can we please go?” I mumbled again.

“Okay, let me say bye to…”He trailed off; trying to turn away but I grabbed him tighter.

Still not letting him go, he gave a quick wave before we began walking back towards the entrance. I could have sworn I saw a flash of bronze from corner of my eye, but then again maybe I was just seeing things.

I saw a lot these days.

Sometimes I saw too much.

Let’s walk on the road that has no end
Steal away where only angels tread
Heaven or hell or somewhere in between
Cross your heart and take me with you please
Don't go
Please don't go
Don't go without me