Worth the Fight: Chapter 2

Chapter 2

In fear every day, every evening,
He calls her aloud from above,
Carefully watched for a reason,
Painstaking devotion and love,

Surrendered to self-preservation,
From others who care for themselves.
A blindness that touches perfection,
But hurts just like anything else.

-Isolation, Joy Division

Sunshine, rainbows, sugar, and all that shit.

Things I try to imagine, in hope that’s they wouldn’t bring back the painful memories.

It didn’t work.

Last night was rough. After Phil rocked me to sleep, the nightmares plagued me once more.

It was the same dream that taunted me for the past three months.

The dream always started off pitch black as if I were in a long dark tunnel. My feet would mindlessly carry me towards the end of the tunnel in which at the end of it was a door.

The door would silently open and I would suddenly find myself on the opposite side and the door would abruptly close behind me.

The darkness would begin to gradually recede and I would see blood staining the walls and the floor.

I would follow the blood trail up the stairs and that’s where I would see them.  Two bodies lying carelessly across the floor; blood matter and tears scattered across the floor. The darkness would come in flashes and that’s when I would notice her in the corner.

She looked catatonic; her eyes were trained on nothing and tears would stream down her face, her body shaking with her sobs.

I would try to reach out to her, but halted with my steps when I see the gun perched in her hands.

Still staring at nothing, she would quietly lift the gun to her temple. I would scream and beg for to stop. And just as she would pull the trigger, I would wake up.

Lovely right?

I was sore from last night’s crying jag. I could feel the dried tears on my face and my mouth tasted like something died. I figured Phil had carried me to bed, because I was still dressed in last night’s clothing. The room was pitch black despite the clock in my room reading that it was after one in the afternoon. I could hear the hard pitter patter of rain against the window and I somehow found it soothing once more.

I sat up in bed. My muscles ached and protested as I stretched. This wasn’t anything new to me. I was used to the pain by now. I grudgingly got out of bed and headed into the bathroom.

I grimaced at the picture in front of me. The dark circles under my eyes seemed even more prominent. My already pale skin appeared to be almost translucent and my once lively milk chocolate colored eyes, were now a dark lifeless sullen color.

I rolled up my sleeves and saw the faint lines of the three scars that lined my arm. They were faint and I hoped that Phil didn’t notice them while he lulled me to sleep. That would just add another problem to the long list of my other preexisting problems.

Deciding to take a shower, I grabbed my toiletries and change of clothes before heading back into the bathroom. After quickly showering and getting dressed, I tamed the mass of curls on my head and threw it into a sloppy ponytail.  I quickly threw on a pair of comfy socks and headed downstairs.

Phil was nowhere to be found. I had probably scared him off anyways. My stomach growled viciously in want. I looked around the kitchen. It was a typical bachelor’s pad, but I was surprised to see that there was no food lying around. Even the refrigerator was bare. I managed to scavenge one lone apple and sat down at the kitchen table.

Attached to a lone can of beer was a note from Phil.

Kiddo, had to run a few errands and head to the store. Be back soon -Uncle P

I settled the note back down on the table. Who knows how long he had been gone.  Phil must have been glad to get away, probably raving to his friends how crazy his niece was. I mean Phil wasn’t a bad guy and he seemed to truly care about me, but he reminded me so much of my mom.

He had her eyes, her vivacity for life; even being in the same room as this man was enough to sometimes drive me to tears. Phil also reminded me a bit of my father. His sometimes shy demeanor and he faintly smelled of leather and cigarettes.

I looked out the window. The once pounding rain was beginning to let up, leaving the sky a weird mix of blue, grey, and yellow as the sun tried to peer through. The rain eventually stopped, leaving a wet wonderland in its wake.

I wanted to go outside; tired of being shuttered up inside, but fear of being spotted and forced to engage in conversation often stopped me.  They knew I was here, but in a small town, news traveled fast and I just wasn’t ready to reveal my story just yet.

I could just see the headline now, Alert: Niece of famed coach Phil Dwyer is a depressed psychopath and murderer. Read all about it!

That would definitely garner some much unwanted attention.

Tired of sitting there bored, I discarded my apple core in the trash can and decided to make myself busy. There were a few pizza boxes lying around and a few beers cans. I quickly threw them away and began cleaning around the house. When I had finished, I had managed to kill an hour and a half, but I was still bored.

The silence was deafening and I hated it. I used noise as a distraction and when it was quiet, it usually left me alone to my thoughts, and sometimes, just sometimes, my thoughts often scared me.

I ached for the rain to start again, aiding me as a silent, but comforting companion once more. I headed into the living room and settled down on the couch. I tried watching television, but I eventually found it pointless and irritating. I quickly shut it off and laid my head against the back of the couch.

I was just about to close my eyes and hope for sleep when I noticed the bag of books Phil had purchased for me on the table.

I cautiously picked the bag up and wondered what Phil had gotten me. He didn’t know what I liked and I was surprised to find that when I open the contents he had purchased five books from some of my favorite authors including Bronte, Mary Shelly, and Lewis Carroll. Phil even purchased me a dark blue bookmark with a small jeweled B on the end of string.

I felt tears well up in my eyes, and I wiped at them furiously as they tried to fall. I was so tired of crying, but nothing I ever said or did could ever stop me. Once I made sure that no more tears would fall, I opened one of the books and engulfed myself into the world of the author’s imagination and thoughts.

 ……

I was just halfway through one of the books when I heard the front door open.

“Bells?” I cringed at the usage of my old nickname. I bookmarked my page and settled it on the table before heading into the kitchen. Phil was settling down various bags across the table and floor. There were so many bags that it appeared that he had bought out the whole store.

“There you are.” Phil grinned kissing my forehead. I tried not to cringe at his affection.  By now I had quickly learned that affection led to problems, problems led to lies, and lies ended getting you six feet underground.

“How are you feeling?” he asked. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Fine. Do you need help putting the bags away?” I gestured. He nodded his head. Most of the bags were from the local grocer while a couple of them were from a store I couldn’t pinpoint, but it was obviously equipped for females needs. I looked at him curiously.

“Oh, um, you know since you didn’t come with much, I figured I would grab a few things.” He blushed. I looked into the  first bag.

A couple of bottles of lotion, shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. He had also purchased me a hairbrush, a comb, a few bottles of nail polish and remover. Not bad. I looked into the other bag and felt my face flush.

Inside the other bag was a pack of tampons and another of pads. A box of Midol lay on top with a small bag of chocolate kisses settled beside it. I looked up to see that Phil was blushing as well.

Well at least that was one trait we both shared. He gave me a sheepish grin.

“Uh, I didn’t know which you preferred, so I asked the female salesclerk and there were so many and I…” I raised my hand to stop him.

“It’s okay.’ I mumble quietly. Phil nodded his head and we continued putting the bags away. There was just so many. I was looking at the various assortments of meats he bought when he spoke up.

“I didn’t know what you preferred, so I got a little bit of everything.” He mumbled. You got that right. We basically had our own mini grocery store.

“I mean Renée told me you weren’t a picky eater, so I assumed, but wait, you’re not a vegetarian are you?” Phil rambled.

“Because if you are, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think to ask.” He rambled, muttering stupid under his breath. My face broke out in a small sad smile.

“No I’m not a vegetarian, although I do sometimes prefer to eat vegetables over meat.” I answered and he let out a small breath of relief.

“Well that’s good.  I pretty much got anything and everything in the store since I didn’t know what you preferred.  I got sodas, juice, chips, candy, you name it. Pretty much everything to the teenager’s delight.” Phil grinned. I looked around. A few bags were still on the floor. I sighed. At least I didn’t have to worry about starving anytime soon.

“Just so you know, I’m not really the best of a cook. There’s a reason why I live off of pizza and beer; there’s nothing else I can make, sans the occasional sandwich and hot dog. Not the healthiest choice, but it’s the best I got to offer.” Phil said conversationally. I rolled my eyes. Typical man.

I looked at Phil curiously. He seemed so calm after comforting me last night and I wondered when his little façade was going to wither. I knew he had questions about what really happened and only I had those answers that the police could never give him. He looked so carefree and happy and figured I would contribute a little to his conversation.

“Well lucky for you, I know how to cook.”

“That’s great, because at the rate I’m going, I really can’t afford to pack on the pounds.” Phil laughed patting his stomach. “What do you want to eat tonight?” he asked. I thought about it for a moment.

“How about lasagna?” I asked. His eyes widened.

“You can make that?” I nodded m head again. “Be my guest.” He smiled and gestured to the gas stove behind him that looked too clean to have been ever used.

I began gathering the necessary ingredients and Phil headed into the living room to watch some television.

I had just set the lasagna into the oven for the next half hour and planned going upstairs into ‘my room’ when Phil called my name. I turned around slowly.  Phil was watching some crime scene drama and the woman on the screen had just killed her daughter before killing herself. I felt myself blanch and turn pale. Seeing my line of vision, he quickly turned off the television, and laid his hands on his lap.

“I wanted to speak with you about something?” It came out more as a question and my breath halted in its step as I wondered what he wanted to speak with me about. I didn’t have to wonder far. I figured he wanted to ask about last night’s activities.  I just knew it.

“Yeah?” he paused, linking his fingers together.

“How do you feel about attending school?” He asked and I let out the breath I had been holding.

“School?” I breathed.

“Yeah I figured we would go down to the school tomorrow and get you signed up. But that’s only if you want to. I won’t force you though.” He rambled.

I thought about it for a moment. I wouldn’t mind going back to school. It would keep my mind busy so my thoughts wouldn’t linger. I was already ahead at my old school so I knew the past three months of missed work really wouldn’t affect anything. The only thing I feared was that my classmates would wonder why I was actually here. I was pulled from my thoughts by Phil’s voice.

“Bella,” He whispered. “They don’t know anything and you don’t have to tell them anything if you don’t want to. The most they know is that your parents died and that I am your guardian. That is all. They won’t judge you unless you want them to.” He continued. I sighed.

“Okay. I’ll think about it. I going to head upstairs for a bit.” I said, heading  towards the stairs.

“Bella,” Phil whispered again, I turned around and noticed his ice blue eyes were slightly teary.

“You know you can  come to me for anything right?” I nodded my head hesitantly.
“And you know I’m here to listen.” I hesitated.

“ I will always be here to listen. Understand?” I looked down at the floor.

“Understand?” he said again, a little more forcefully.  His eyes were even more glazed over. I nodded my head.

“I understand.” I whispered, my voice nearly cracking at the end, nearly tripping up the stairs as my feet pounded up them. I ran into my room and sunk down to the floor.

He was so nice to me and I didn’t deserve it. I knew he wanted to listen. I knew he wanted to know, but I couldn’t. He would hate me afterwards, I just knew.

 I was ashamed of my actions that led to my downfall. My thoughts and memory continued to plague me constantly and I knew it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.

 I just hoped that when they did resurface, I didn’t bring Phil down with me.

Mother I tried please believe me;
I'm doing the best that I can.
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through,
I'm ashamed of the person I am.