Chapter 19
BPOV
I drifted in and out of consciousness and into a sea of darkness. It felt like I was dead, but I knew I wasn't in heaven and yet it didn't feel like hell. I couldn't see anything, not even my own body. I wondered if I was in some weird type of purgatory stuck in between, left to wander for the rest of eternity to wait for my own judgment. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself with that one, but I needed to get some type of grasp on reality before I started to lose my mind; of course if I haven't already.
I could still remember everything. The sickening screech of broken metal, the ruby red eyes that peered down at me just before everything went black.
Was I just unconscious? I wasn't dead, was I?
I could still think, although I couldn't move. I felt paralyzed. I couldn't see either. My mind was racing a thousand miles a minute as voices and thoughts drifted into my head. The darkness was like a tunnel and I couldn't seem to find a light at the end it. I seemed to watch my life float past me, like some crappy black and white movie. It was like I was there, but then I wasn't, watching as some innocent third person bystander.
Starting with my birth, my first five years of life, the crash that killed my parents, Jolie, school, the Cullen's, Edward. I saw it all, whether it felt like seconds or even years, I saw it all. Was this the same thing as seeing your life flash before your eyes?
Crap. Maybe I was dead. That leaves a nice afterthought.
Eerily enough, I found myself slightly calming at the thought. I was in no pain. I had my thoughts and that was enough. I obviously wasn't in hell or heaven or at least I thought I wasn't. Either way, I was just content to stay where I was, wherever that was.
EPOV
"Well?" I waited for Alice's response. She said nothing. I continued my pacing, a small line beginning to form onto Esme's hardwood floor from the friction as my pace quickened.
"Edward just sit down, you're not making anything better than it already is, okay. Please just stop." Rosalie growled at me. Grudgingly, I plopped down on the couch beside Alice who was staring off into space her eyes slightly glazed over.
"Anything?" I asked. She turned to look at me.
"Edward," she sighed. "I don't know, but it's not like we can go down there. She's too far down there and even with the compromise it's still too risky. Bella could be fine and maybe we're just worrying for nothing." Alice replied, rubbing her temples.
"So you mean, we just wait?" I sighed.
"We wait." I growled.
"Just relax Edward. You're not the only one who's worried okay? Besides, you're the one who agreed to let her go down there." Emmett huffed.
"So did you and that's before we knew the red head was on the loose." I growled back. He crouched back in his seat, a defensive look upon his face. My body tensed in agitation.
"Will the two of you relax? You two are no worse than a couple of five year olds fighting over a toy." Jasper reasoned.
"The wolves said they got this under control alright, and that they would call us immediately if a problem arose. You both are beginning to give me a headache and trust that's a nearly impossible thing to do, now relax." Jasper said sternly, walking over to Alice who had a pained look upon her face. She hated being blind to her visions, but I guess as she said earlier, we were just had to wait.
…
An hour passed before we got anything. When Alice looked over at me her eyes slightly glazed over and frightened, I didn't even wait for a confirmation; not even when the phone rang. I was out the door in seconds. I heard my family call out and run behind me, but I blocked them all out. I had to focus. I even smelled the revolting scent of dog alongside the perimeter of the forest as I neared closer to their line, but I didn't care. They could rip me to shreds later if they wanted; I had to help her first.
Running.
Running as fast as my legs and vampire speed could take me. There were no words flowing through my head; just the panted breaths of unnecessary intakes of air. There was no emotion either, not even any thoughts coming from my family.
I felt nothing as I pounded my feet hard against the ground; propelling myself forward with each and every stride.
I felt nothing as I watched my family and the wolves rip to shreds the red head as she tried to fight them off and I felt nothing as I came across the broken body of my love.
I had a decision to make and I knew I had to keep my emotions out of it. The monster inside of me debated between taking Bella's humanity and bringing her to this "world" by my own selfish purposes or saving her from the horror we call a "life" by letting her go.
The battle in my head seemed to compete for hours although it was only mere seconds. I tried to come up with every rationalization I had, but it always came to the same conclusion:
Was I doing this for myself or was I doing this for her?
My family huddled around me and their thoughts were screaming at me to make a decision. Alice was trying to see if she could get a vision of Bella, but came up with nothing. She was drifting away very quickly. This made me panic even more.
Emmett and Jasper both looked down at me with faces of sympathy and pain. They must have known the turmoil I must have been battling within myself. If it were Alice, Rosalie, or even Esme they would be down here in a heartbeat, no pun intended. This was their sister; Esme and Carlisle's daughter for all intent and purposes and the love of my existence. We all loved her and even if my love was to a different extent that bared the depths of both of our hearts, we all loved her.
Was I a monster to take away the only option she had left for herself, after everything she's been through? Was it enough for me to do this even if it was for my benefit?
Was damning her for all eternity the risk I wanted to take, if it meant seeing her smile, laugh, or even speak again? Bella's heartbeat was slowing and I could tell she was drifting quickly away and that time was almost up.
Closing my eyes and getting up to my feet, I made my choice.
BPOV
I laid there in silence. My imagination seemed to linger a bit, my thoughts drifting from school to homework, to a stupid paid program I last watched. I wondered if death was like this for everyone; to be left with nothing but your thoughts and memories, stuck there for all of eternity with nothing but the hope you wouldn't suffer from boredom.
I watched the story of my life and it was like a silent movie. I could see the picture, but never hear the actuals words, leaving me and my hazy memory to fill in the blanks. The sound was always a soft murmur; a gentle hum that left me wanting to know what was going on around me.
I first saw my birth, which I admit traumatized me a bit. My mom looked extremely exhausted and yet she had a contented smile on her face. Everyone was huddled around her with smiles upon their faces. I was passed around the small room from person to person until I was finally huddled in Edward's arms; wrapped securely in a little pink blanket, my little curly brown head the only thing revealed.
Edward's arms seemed to fit my little infant body perfectly and his posture showed no signs of nervousness or distress like the rest of my family. I must have let out a small sneeze, because I heard a soft noise and watched him smile down at me, his green eyes twinkling in amusement. It was kind of odd seeing him holding me like that; the love in his eyes peering through. Just think of the kind of love he would have showed me if hadn't died, but I guess fate just worked out that way.
Next, were my toddler years I presumed.
I saw my small three or four year old body running from Jasper and Emmett in our backyard, our mom and dad sitting on the patio in contented conversation. I saw the five of us eating dinner at the table, my small body sitting comfortably in my daddy's lap, while I played with my spaghetti, getting more of it in my hair and face than I actually did in my mouth.
I saw my mom and me preparing for bed. I watched as she gave me a warm bath, raking her gentle hands through my hair as she brushed the curly tangles. I saw her helping me into my pajamas and then reading me a story, quickly drifting off into slumber as she lulled me to sleep with a soft lullaby.
I wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. I ached for the reality, not the memory of what was. Everything suddenly turned fuzzy and statically before I could see things clearly.
Now I was about twelve or thirteen years old playing with Jolie in one of the foster home's run down playrooms.
My mind immediately wondered how I could skip such a large time frame, but then I remembered the accident. The accident that not only took my parents, my brothers, and their friends away from me, but the same accident that left nothing more than broken hearts and memories behind in its wake. I looked back at the scene that unfolded before me.
Jolie and I were spread across the dusty wood floor looking at the few magazines we managed to pull from Ms. O'Hara's room. We were both giggling, smiling at the beautiful faces of the models and their lavish homes. We tried to imagine what their lives were probably like; their cars, husbands, children, jobs, family; anything and everything that we hoped to one day have.
The scene quickly shifted and I saw that it was just before Jolie and I left for Forks; the light shining in our eyes. It seemed like such a long time ago when it really wasn't. Things were so much simpler back then and I wondered how everything got so complicated.
Oh yeah. They came into my world.
What I saw next was more recent. I was at school. Edward and I were lounging outside on one of the picnic tables. It was an overcast day and we were both laughing at something funny. My head was lying in his lap and Edward was looking down at me with so much love and admiration that my heart ached at the fact that I would never see him again. I would never again laugh at his comments, feel his cool arms around me, or look back up into his warm topaz colored eyes. I would never see any of them again because I was dead; dead and lost forever. Just when things were returning to normal, my idiocy went right along and killed me.
It was then that I felt the tears begin to well back into my eyes, and felt them slowly drift down my cheek.
While my mind relished on the thought of what was lost, my heart ached for what could have been. Edward and I would never be together. I would never go to college, get married, and have the 2.5 kids along with a white picket fence and dog that Jolie and I imagined we would one day have. I would never grow old and hopefully die warm in my bed.
I had never really basked in the thought of immortality and there was nothing I could do to worry about that notion now. If there ever was a moment that I had wished I was a vampire it would have been now. I would have done anything and I mean anything if it meant that I would get the chance to see his face.
Of course there were things I wanted to do with my life, but what was the point of enjoying life when there was no one to spend it with?
I continued my reverie and felt the tears well down my face as the images began to fade and darkness filled then air once more. I welcomed the darkness and silence that came along with it.
Hopefully I was going to find some form of peace that came along with the darkness. I started humming the lullaby my mom would sing to me as a little girl and I had made it to the third verse when I felt a sharp pain in my side.
I didn't know where it came from and I thought it was nothing, but that's when it started.
The burning; the intense molten feel of my insides on fire as I felt my body jerk and moan.
I let out a scream and even through the inferno, that's when I knew.
I was in hell.
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