Chapter 9
BPOV (Dream Sequence.) Summer 1997 age five
"No Emmett! Stop stuffing Ken's pants!" Rosie screeched. We were all sitting in the living room playing with my newly acquired Barbie dream house. We were all playing house and this was the fifth time that we had to stop because of Emmett's crazy antics.
"I can't help it. What kind of guy doll doesn't have a dick? He's like a female without tits." he grumbled, when I saw Rose smack the back of his head.
"Emmett!" they all screeched. They were all glaring at him when something perked my interest.
"Emmy?" I asked looking at him.
"Uh yeah, Bells?" he said nervously.
"What is a dick and uh….tit?" I asked curiously and it suddenly got so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. I even noticed his face turn a little green.
"Uh… I don't know ask Jasper!" he shouted, as I looked over at him.
"I don't know either! Ask Edward!" he blanched, pointing at Edward's shocked face.
"Ask me? Ask Emmett! He said it." He huffed. I was getting frustrated. I really wanted to know what those words had meant. I looked back over to him but he just shook his head, I then glanced over at Rose and Ali but they were just staring at the ceiling.
"Uh Bells, it's just something you don't need to know?" Emmett grumbled.
"Fine if you won't tell me, I'm just going to ask Mommy." I huffed, dropping Barbie on the floor as I headed towards the kitchen. I was halfway through to the kitchen when I heard a commotion and found myself being grabbed by a pair of strong arms, as he put one of his hands over my mouth. I tried to speak, but it came out muffled.
"What is it sweetie?" she asked, as she tied her long blonde hair into a ponytail. I didn't see my daddy anywhere, so he must have left for work.
"Oh nothing. She's just playing." he said. He was making me angry. I just wanted to know what those words meant. Seeing the only way I could accomplish this, I licked his palm.
"Eww Bella!" he grimaced. Wiping his hand on one of his jean clad legs as he held me with his other arm.
"I got a question to-." I started to ask, but found my mouth being covered once more.
"Put your sister down, and let her speak." she chastised him, as he groaned. He quickly settled me on my feet, before bolting towards the stairs.
"Now what did you want to ask sweetie?" she smiled, her blue eyes twinkling as she sat me on her lap.
"Well Emmy said something, and wouldn't tell me what it meant. I tried to ask the others but they ignored me. I think they ignored me because I'm five. Maybe when I'm six they'll listen." I huffed as my mother chuckled.
"Now what's the question?" she asked me.
"Well we were playing house and Emmy said that Ken didn't have a dick and was like a female without tits. When I asked he wouldn't tell me what it meant. What does it mean mommy?" I asked, looking up at her, noticing her face was turning a weird shade of blue. She almost resembled a smurf. She had a grim expression upon her face.
"Did I say something wrong mommy?" I asked, tears welling in my eyes, fearing that I was in trouble.
"No pumpkin. I'm just going to have a talk with that brother of yours. Go back in the living room with the others." She said placing me on the floor, before heading towards the stairs."Emmett!" she screamed, as I stood there confusedly. What did he say wrong? Shrugging my shoulders, I headed back to the living room with the others. They all wore frightened expressions upon their faces. Teenagers were so weird. I just hoped that I stayed young forever so that I would never grow up to be strange like them.
EPOV
"She's still dreaming." Alice smiled. We were all sitting in the living room, listening to Bella's sleep talking.
"Well the sedative was strong. She's going to be out for a while." Carlisle said.
"I still can't believe you said that Em." Jasper chuckled, remembering that day.
"Yeah, I never saw a huge twenty year old boy so frightened of his mother. He even cried." Alice laughed leaning her head on Jasper's shoulder for support.
"I was not crying, and how was I supposed to know she would repeat what I was going to say?" he defended.
"She was five, you idiot. Most five year olds are prone to repeat whatever you say. It should be basic knowledge." Alice added.
"Well excuse me." Emmett said rolling his eyes.
"You think she's starting to piece everything together yet Al?" I asked.
"I honestly don't know. I keep getting glances but her future keeps changing. She really hasn't decided what to believe yet. She probably believes she's hallucinating." Alice said."Well I hope not. She sees us in her dreams. Shouldn't that be the biggest clue?"
"Like I said. I'm not too sure. Dreams are prone to react to environment. For instance you can see someone you've never met in your life on the street, never in your life have you ever spoken one single word to them, but when you go to sleep they make a brief appearance in your dream. It's the same way for her. It would be the same for any human if they were to have a dream about a celebrity although they never met. Who knows how long it's take for Bella to even acknowledge the fact." she answered.
"Bella's smart enough. She'll figure it out soon or later. We just need to make sure that she's comfortable." Esme said.
"So what will we do when she wakes up?" Emmett asked quietly, although with our vampire hearing it was easily heard.
"I don't know. I guess we'll figure that part out when she wakes up." Jasper said.
All was silent once more as I listened to his thoughts. They flickered quickly from himself, to Bella, to Emmett, and surprisingly me. I knew lately that I was tormenting him with my conflicting emotions towards Bella. You would think that in the twelve years, I'd been frozen in this state, I would claim some control of my body and emotions.
It was just something about her that has always intrigued me. Even as a child, although I held no romantic feelings towards her then, I had always felt the need to protect her; sometimes from danger and sometimes herself. I had already been grilled by Emmett and Jasper for even being attracted to her, but once I told the two of them that my very existence would be threatened if I even harmed a hair on her head, I was left alone.
Sometimes I felt the two of them would never understand. They were always surrounded by their mates. Even when we were human, you would have to be blind, not see the attraction between them. I had always been the fifth wheel. I could never find anyone I was even remotely attracted to. I would often find myself wondering if I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone. They had it easy. They knew if their partner reciprocated their feelings back, when I had no clue whether or not Bella felt the same towards me.
I didn't even really understand myself; the affections I seemed to have towards Bella or not. I mean I "loved" her as anyone would a family member. She had always been in my "life" and it was hard not to love her. What seemed to conflict me the most was to distinguish between the two types of love.
I mean I "loved" the five year old Bella, but I "loved" the beautiful young lady she had turned to; my sweet brown haired angel. She could love me as her friend or she could love me as her life; the other part of her soul to roam the wonders of this confusing world.
I often felt disgusted with myself. I wondered if I was no better than some pedophile. If I had "lived", I would be reaching nearly thirty years of age. Nearly 13 years her junior. I should be married with children of my own, not a frozen seventeen year old monster, fawning over an innocent seventeen year old girl.
Jasper must have felt my self-loathing, because he raised a questioning eyebrow at me, as I shook my head. He decided to leave it alone, but this of course didn't escape Alice's attention, as she sent a thought that she and I would speak later. I must have been thinking longer than I thought I had, because it was already daylight out; the birds happily chirping away. It was momentarily silent until, we heard the quickening of Bella's heart signaling that she awakening. Esme silently got up and headed to the kitchen to make her some breakfast as Alice's eyes glazed over. I tried to read her thoughts but the vision was already over before I could even acknowledge the fact that she was having a vision.
"Bella's going to panic when she wakes up, and you're going to be the only one who calms her down. You have twenty seven seconds." Alice smiled sadly, as I headed towards the stairs. I knew there was something she wasn't telling me, but I let it go, knowing that we were going to speak to one another later.
BPOV (Bella's still dreaming- a little earlier than Epov)
"I'm Sorry Bells." Emmett apologized, as I came down the stairs. He and the others were settled on the couch watching television, and they smiled sheepishly at me as I groggily approached. He opened up his arms to me and settled me on to his lap. I was still sleepy from my nap, so I settled my back against his chest as he continued speaking.
"What I said earlier, were bad words. Remember what mom told you about bad words?" he asked me. I shook my head.
"Those bad words were for bad people. And bad people are people I should stay away from." I smiled.
"That's right Bells. I don't want to be a bad person so I apologize. "he pouted, causing me to grin at him.
"You're not bad. You're my Emmy Bear!" I laughed, as his hug me tightly to his chest.
"Can't breathe." I gasped.
"Em let her go. I think mom and dad might disown you if you break her." Jasper laughed. He quickly released me.
"Awe, you're no fun. Come on, show me some dimples." He smiled, showing the pair of his own, as I grinned at him.
"What is with him and dimples?" Edward asked, as they all shook their heads in confusion.
"Hey, it's our thing. It's the only thing that lets me know, that she's my sister and not some stray. I mean look, that's how we found Jasper." He laughed, his chest rumbling with each breath causing me to bounce around on his lap.
"Ha, Ha Em. Very Funny." Jasper huffed. I just shook my head at them as I lay back against his chest. We continued watching television, until we heard the back door. That meant only one thing; daddy was home.
"Daddy!" I screamed, from my newly acquired seat on Edward's lap."Aw, there's my angel." he beamed; opening up his arms, as I happily ran into them. He peppered my face with kisses, while I squealed through my fits of laughter.
"You never greet us like that. Let alone, call us angel." Emmett grumbled.
"I don't need to. Sometimes you act like a demon and besides your mom does it for me, mama's boy." He laughed; patting his shoulder, as he headed into the kitchen with me still perched over his shoulder upside down.
"Daddy, you're making me sick." I mumbled, feeling all the blood rush to my head.
"Charles Drew Swan! Put her down this instance." my mother said, although she had a smile upon her face.
"Sorry Dear." he cooed, settling me down on my feet, as his went behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, as she finished making dinner.
"I know." she smiled, turning around gazing into his brown eyes with her blue ones, as he pressed his lips against hers. I scrunched up my nose, as I heard a booming voice.
"Ahh! My eyes. Grab the bleach! Mom and dad are making out. Gross!" Emmett hollered breaking them from their reverie as they all entered. Rosalie promptly smacked him on the back of the head, as they rest laughed.
"Whatever Son. Just remember without that little kiss of ours, you wouldn't be here." My dad smiled, his arms still wrapped around my mother's waist; his heard on her shoulders.
"Eww, too much information! Besides, Bells was here to witness it. Poor kid's probably scarred for life." Emmett grumbled, sitting down at the table; the other's following behind him.
"That's nonsense, right Bellie?" My mom said, placing her homemade lasagna on the table. I just shrugged my shoulders, as she rolled her eyes before sitting down at the table. They were all at the table sitting, while I stood there glaring at them. You would think they learned by now, or at least have gotten another seat for me to sit in. I cleared my throat loudly at them, as they turned to me."Oh!" They all grumbled, but it was Jasper who opened up his arms for me, as I walked over to him and got in his lap.
"It's so nice to see I'm loved." I grumbled, as Jasper kissed my forehead.
"Sorry sweetie." My mom cooed, handing me a small portion of lasagna and a piece of garlic bread.
We continued eating, followed by random bouts of conversation when my dad spoke up.
"Hey guys. I've been thinking. Before the summer's up, or well before you guys go back. I think we should go on a trip." He smiled.
"A trip?" Jasper said.
"Yep. I think it'll be nice for us to go out as a family." my mom grinned.
"We can go too right?" Alice asked.
"Of course silly. You're family. Just because I didn't give birth to you doesn't mean you're not my girls. They both grinned, as Edward huffed.
"You too Edward." she smiled as he grinned back.
"So what do you suggest?" he asked.
"How about camping? I know a site a little bit away from here. We could go maybe next week if we wanted to." he said.
"Camping?" Alice's nose scrunched up.
"Don't give me that face. It'll be fun and besides what's the worst that could happen?" he laughed as we were all left to our thoughts.
Well that was weird. I thought to myself as I turned over, and snuggled back into the pillows. I didn't even get the chance to reflect back on my dream, as slumber took over once more.
Screams…Blood…Gasoline….Fire… Nothing….
It's the same dream, that's haunted me forever. I watch on scared, as I take in my parent's expressions. My father's face hidden from my view, but probably terrified as he struggles to get a hold of the wheel to keep us on the road. My mother's expression; her face so frightened; her blue eyes looking at me lovingly, knowing that this just may be the end, just before we hit impact.
Crunch!
I look around to check the others in the car, but their faces are blurred, but one face catches my attention. Edward. He tries to grab on to something, anything to save himself. The expression on his face looks so fearful as his screams permeated the air, louder than the others as we all try to brace ourselves.
Suddenly I'm flying, weightlessly through the air. I scream, and scream weighting to hit the asphalt, but I never do. I land on my feet, feeling the vibrations of the ground go through my feet. I stagger forward, and look on. The car totaled, the scent of gasoline so strong, that even from this distance, one flicker of flame could light up the twilight sky.
I stagger forward, as I break out into a full sprint. I can hear the groans and moan echoing from the car, pleading me for any help. I'm running and running, but my feet seem to be planted to the ground.
"Bella! Help us. Help us!" They all screamed, as I try to run. My feet still won't move.
'"You're killing us. You won't save us!" They screamed again, as I felt the tears falling down my face.
BOOM!
I covered my ears, as a glow of orange and blue light spread, illuminating the night sky. More glass shatters, embedding in my skin as the screaming suddenly stops. I look up frightened to what used to be my family car.
"No!" I screamed as I ran forward, my feet actually propelling me to where I desperately wanted to go to the most, but I stopped in my tracks. As I passed by a few shards of glass, the glare off a few made me I take in my appearance. Gone was the five year old, and was now replaced with my seventeen-year-old self. I had dark circles under my eyes, and even the expression on my face seemed to haunt me. I looked down at my tattered clothes to see them drenched in blood. Blood that was not mine.
Suddenly I'm in front of the wreckage. Its all ashes. I frantically claw at the ground, searching frantically, for anyone in the car, but find nothing. I hear a groan and turn my head to look into the sullen eyes of Edward, although I find them to be a shocking shade of jade instead of the topaz I was accustomed to. He's burnt badly, the blood pouring from his wounds as he stares at me. He's in agonizing pain, as tears fall from his eyes; the jade beginning to fade to black.
"Edward!" I cry, as I crawl over to him. I try to touch him, but he screams causing me to fall back.
"You killed me. I thought you loved me." he moaned.
"I do love you." I sob, wrapping my arms around my waist trying to hold myself together.
"If you did, you would have saved me. You killed me." he whispers, before becoming silent. All movement halting from his body.
"Edward! Edward! Edward!" I screamed, grabbing his lifeless body.
"Edward, Edward." I whisper through my tears.
"Wake up love." I hear a voice say, as I try to open my eyes. My face feels odd. I touch the skin under my eyes and realize I had been crying in my sleep. I fully open my eyes to gaze into the warm topaz eyes of Edward. Before I can realize what I'm doing, I throw myself in his arms as I begin to sob."I'm so…sor…ry." I cry into his chest, as he wrapped his arms around me.
"What for love?" he asks, concerned etched in his voice.
"I….I killed you." I cried.
"No you didn't you silly girl. I'm right here." he said into my hair, his breath tickling my skin.
"You…you said I killed you." I said, grasping on to his shirt for dear life. He just rocked me back and forth, as he whispered in my ear. This is when I noticed how deliciously mouthwatering he smelt, and I actually found myself calming dawn just from his scent.
"I would say no such thing. Bad Dream?" he cooed. I just nodded my head."I had a dream about the accident. I think I killed my family They died because of me." I answered.
"He suddenly got quiet, before grabbing my chin in his hand forcing me to look at him."Bella. If I know anything, it's that you are not responsible for their deaths. You couldn't have prevented it, it's inevitable. It was all a bad dream." he said sternly.
"How can you be so sure?" I asked, looking into his eyes.
"I just know. How about you go take a shower and I'll go downstairs to see if Esme's finished cooking breakfast." he smiled, although I could see a hint of worry in his eyes.
"I'm not really hungry." I answered, although my stomach decided to betray me and growl loudly.
"Well I believe your stomach decided otherwise. Besides, I believe we have a few things to talk about." he said sadly and I instantly knew what he was talking about. Tears threatened to spill once more as he rocked me in his arms, until I calmed down.
Once he was satisfied that I was okay, he headed downstairs to check on breakfast. As I looked around at my surroundings, I noticed that I was indeed in Edward's room. That explained why the sheets smelled so good; honey and lilac. Not wanting to leave the confines of his bed, I grudgingly got out and walked over to the bathroom.
My appearance didn't surprise me. I had dark circles under my eyes, and my face was red and blotchy. My hair was a tangled and disheveled mess on the top of my head. I was so embarrassed that Edward even had to see me that way. I would be lucky if he even decided to come back. My limbs felt stiff and sore as I stepped into the shower.
All I could think about was my dream last night. Not only did my nightmare continued to haunt me but the dreams of me as a little girl left me with many unanswered questions. Why the Cullen's of all people would act as my family in my dreams? Usually with most of my dreams, I wasn't even conscious of my actions, but with this dream, it felt so real. Emmett and Jasper as my brothers just felt so normal. Sometimes I wished I would stay in the realities of my dreams instead of actually suffering through the real thing. I was just so tired. I had so much on my plate and I honestly didn't know what to do. My best friend was dead, and I was still seventeen. Seventeen not eighteen. I would have to go back. Just when I finally had a little stability in my life, it all came crashing down. I didn't realize I was crying again until I heard Alice's voice outside the door.
"Bella?" She said quietly. I turned off the shower and stepped out wrapping a towel around myself.
"Yeah Alice?" I responded, my voice raspy and hoarse.
"I laid some clothes on the bed for you." she said.
"Thank you, I really appreciate it." I said sincerely.
"Oh you're welcome, and Bella?" she said.
"Yeah Alice?" I said leaning against the door.
"Just remember you're not alone." she said as I heard her footsteps patter across the floor and the door shut.
"Well that was extremely vague. Opening the door, I was immediately hit with the cool air against my flushed skin. I went to go see the clothes Alice had laid out for me, I was glad to see it was nothing too ostentatious. It was a simple pair of black jeans and a blue t-shirt with a panda on it. I even cracked a small smile when I saw she laid me out some sock with bunnies on them; very Alice.
After getting dressed and pulling a brush through my wet hair leaving it in soft waves, I timidly stepped out and headed towards the stairs. I figured everyone was either gone or downstairs since I didn't hear any noise coming from upstairs. I was still feeling a little nauseous and hoped that whatever Esme had prepared for me would stay down. After taking one agonizing step after the next going down the stairs, I saw that everyone was in living room watching television except Esme and Edward.
Although I was making very timid steps, they must have heard me because they all turned my directions with sympathetic glances.
"Good morning Bella." They all said smiling, but I could see the worried glances on their faces like they were waiting for me to crumble at any given moment. I didn't blame them. I didn't know myself If I was even going to make it through the day.
"Good morning/" I whispered, looking at my feet as I headed towards the kitchen where Esme was settling a plate of grits, eggs, and toast on the table as Edward poured me a glass of apple juice.
"Good Morning Bella," She smiled kissing my cheek.
"Good morning Esme." I said, trying to smile although it probably looked like a grimace.
"I hope you're feeling better." she said, brushing a few strands of hair form my face.
"I honestly don't know yet." I answered truthfully.
"Well I hope so. Call me if you need anything. We'll be in the living room." she smiled, before exiting Edward following behind her.
"Um Edward," I started as he turned around to look at me.
"Yes love?" he answered.
"Do you mind sitting with me? I could really use your company." I said, looking at my plate. He stared intensely at me, which was doing nothing to calm my building anxiety.
"I mean… you…don't ha…have t…." I stuttered, my heart beating furiously in my chest.
"I would love to." he smiled, walking over and sitting down beside me on the stool next to me.
I ate in relative silence, while he absently minded played with a strand of my hair. It was such an intimate gesture but it didn't seem to bother me. Once I was finished, I got up to put my dishes in the sink, but he stopped me.
"Let me." he simply said, grabbing them and settling them into the dishwasher. I looked at him curiously, as he approached me.
"How about we go in the living room. As I said earlier we have some things we need to talk about." he said, reaching out for my hand. I was dreading this part. I really didn't want to speak of anything right now. Edward must have seen the hesitation in my eyes, because he grasped my hands and pressed them to his chest.
"Don't worry Bella. I'm right here. We don't have to speak of nothing that makes you uncomfortable, okay." he said, momentarily dazzled as I gazed into the liquid gold of hi eyes. I just shook my head, as he kissed my hand.
"Let's go." he said as he pulled me out of the kitchen and into the living room, my heart rate elevating with each step I took.
"You okay?" he paused, stopping me in my tracks.
"Yeah, I'm okay." I answered, and I knew he could tell I was lying. I was anything but okay.
BPOV (Dream Sequence.) Summer 1997 age five
"No Emmett! Stop stuffing Ken's pants!" Rosie screeched. We were all sitting in the living room playing with my newly acquired Barbie dream house. We were all playing house and this was the fifth time that we had to stop because of Emmett's crazy antics.
"I can't help it. What kind of guy doll doesn't have a dick? He's like a female without tits." he grumbled, when I saw Rose smack the back of his head.
"Emmett!" they all screeched. They were all glaring at him when something perked my interest.
"Emmy?" I asked looking at him.
"Uh yeah, Bells?" he said nervously.
"What is a dick and uh….tit?" I asked curiously and it suddenly got so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. I even noticed his face turn a little green.
"Uh… I don't know ask Jasper!" he shouted, as I looked over at him.
"I don't know either! Ask Edward!" he blanched, pointing at Edward's shocked face.
"Ask me? Ask Emmett! He said it." He huffed. I was getting frustrated. I really wanted to know what those words had meant. I looked back over to him but he just shook his head, I then glanced over at Rose and Ali but they were just staring at the ceiling.
"Uh Bells, it's just something you don't need to know?" Emmett grumbled.
"Fine if you won't tell me, I'm just going to ask Mommy." I huffed, dropping Barbie on the floor as I headed towards the kitchen. I was halfway through to the kitchen when I heard a commotion and found myself being grabbed by a pair of strong arms, as he put one of his hands over my mouth. I tried to speak, but it came out muffled.
"What is it sweetie?" she asked, as she tied her long blonde hair into a ponytail. I didn't see my daddy anywhere, so he must have left for work.
"Oh nothing. She's just playing." he said. He was making me angry. I just wanted to know what those words meant. Seeing the only way I could accomplish this, I licked his palm.
"Eww Bella!" he grimaced. Wiping his hand on one of his jean clad legs as he held me with his other arm.
"I got a question to-." I started to ask, but found my mouth being covered once more.
"Put your sister down, and let her speak." she chastised him, as he groaned. He quickly settled me on my feet, before bolting towards the stairs.
"Now what did you want to ask sweetie?" she smiled, her blue eyes twinkling as she sat me on her lap.
"Well Emmy said something, and wouldn't tell me what it meant. I tried to ask the others but they ignored me. I think they ignored me because I'm five. Maybe when I'm six they'll listen." I huffed as my mother chuckled.
"Now what's the question?" she asked me.
"Well we were playing house and Emmy said that Ken didn't have a dick and was like a female without tits. When I asked he wouldn't tell me what it meant. What does it mean mommy?" I asked, looking up at her, noticing her face was turning a weird shade of blue. She almost resembled a smurf. She had a grim expression upon her face.
"Did I say something wrong mommy?" I asked, tears welling in my eyes, fearing that I was in trouble.
"No pumpkin. I'm just going to have a talk with that brother of yours. Go back in the living room with the others." She said placing me on the floor, before heading towards the stairs."Emmett!" she screamed, as I stood there confusedly. What did he say wrong? Shrugging my shoulders, I headed back to the living room with the others. They all wore frightened expressions upon their faces. Teenagers were so weird. I just hoped that I stayed young forever so that I would never grow up to be strange like them.
EPOV
"She's still dreaming." Alice smiled. We were all sitting in the living room, listening to Bella's sleep talking.
"Well the sedative was strong. She's going to be out for a while." Carlisle said.
"I still can't believe you said that Em." Jasper chuckled, remembering that day.
"Yeah, I never saw a huge twenty year old boy so frightened of his mother. He even cried." Alice laughed leaning her head on Jasper's shoulder for support.
"I was not crying, and how was I supposed to know she would repeat what I was going to say?" he defended.
"She was five, you idiot. Most five year olds are prone to repeat whatever you say. It should be basic knowledge." Alice added.
"Well excuse me." Emmett said rolling his eyes.
"You think she's starting to piece everything together yet Al?" I asked.
"I honestly don't know. I keep getting glances but her future keeps changing. She really hasn't decided what to believe yet. She probably believes she's hallucinating." Alice said."Well I hope not. She sees us in her dreams. Shouldn't that be the biggest clue?"
"Like I said. I'm not too sure. Dreams are prone to react to environment. For instance you can see someone you've never met in your life on the street, never in your life have you ever spoken one single word to them, but when you go to sleep they make a brief appearance in your dream. It's the same way for her. It would be the same for any human if they were to have a dream about a celebrity although they never met. Who knows how long it's take for Bella to even acknowledge the fact." she answered.
"Bella's smart enough. She'll figure it out soon or later. We just need to make sure that she's comfortable." Esme said.
"So what will we do when she wakes up?" Emmett asked quietly, although with our vampire hearing it was easily heard.
"I don't know. I guess we'll figure that part out when she wakes up." Jasper said.
All was silent once more as I listened to his thoughts. They flickered quickly from himself, to Bella, to Emmett, and surprisingly me. I knew lately that I was tormenting him with my conflicting emotions towards Bella. You would think that in the twelve years, I'd been frozen in this state, I would claim some control of my body and emotions.
It was just something about her that has always intrigued me. Even as a child, although I held no romantic feelings towards her then, I had always felt the need to protect her; sometimes from danger and sometimes herself. I had already been grilled by Emmett and Jasper for even being attracted to her, but once I told the two of them that my very existence would be threatened if I even harmed a hair on her head, I was left alone.
Sometimes I felt the two of them would never understand. They were always surrounded by their mates. Even when we were human, you would have to be blind, not see the attraction between them. I had always been the fifth wheel. I could never find anyone I was even remotely attracted to. I would often find myself wondering if I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone. They had it easy. They knew if their partner reciprocated their feelings back, when I had no clue whether or not Bella felt the same towards me.
I didn't even really understand myself; the affections I seemed to have towards Bella or not. I mean I "loved" her as anyone would a family member. She had always been in my "life" and it was hard not to love her. What seemed to conflict me the most was to distinguish between the two types of love.
I mean I "loved" the five year old Bella, but I "loved" the beautiful young lady she had turned to; my sweet brown haired angel. She could love me as her friend or she could love me as her life; the other part of her soul to roam the wonders of this confusing world.
I often felt disgusted with myself. I wondered if I was no better than some pedophile. If I had "lived", I would be reaching nearly thirty years of age. Nearly 13 years her junior. I should be married with children of my own, not a frozen seventeen year old monster, fawning over an innocent seventeen year old girl.
Jasper must have felt my self-loathing, because he raised a questioning eyebrow at me, as I shook my head. He decided to leave it alone, but this of course didn't escape Alice's attention, as she sent a thought that she and I would speak later. I must have been thinking longer than I thought I had, because it was already daylight out; the birds happily chirping away. It was momentarily silent until, we heard the quickening of Bella's heart signaling that she awakening. Esme silently got up and headed to the kitchen to make her some breakfast as Alice's eyes glazed over. I tried to read her thoughts but the vision was already over before I could even acknowledge the fact that she was having a vision.
"Bella's going to panic when she wakes up, and you're going to be the only one who calms her down. You have twenty seven seconds." Alice smiled sadly, as I headed towards the stairs. I knew there was something she wasn't telling me, but I let it go, knowing that we were going to speak to one another later.
BPOV (Bella's still dreaming- a little earlier than Epov)
"I'm Sorry Bells." Emmett apologized, as I came down the stairs. He and the others were settled on the couch watching television, and they smiled sheepishly at me as I groggily approached. He opened up his arms to me and settled me on to his lap. I was still sleepy from my nap, so I settled my back against his chest as he continued speaking.
"What I said earlier, were bad words. Remember what mom told you about bad words?" he asked me. I shook my head.
"Those bad words were for bad people. And bad people are people I should stay away from." I smiled.
"That's right Bells. I don't want to be a bad person so I apologize. "he pouted, causing me to grin at him.
"You're not bad. You're my Emmy Bear!" I laughed, as his hug me tightly to his chest.
"Can't breathe." I gasped.
"Em let her go. I think mom and dad might disown you if you break her." Jasper laughed. He quickly released me.
"Awe, you're no fun. Come on, show me some dimples." He smiled, showing the pair of his own, as I grinned at him.
"What is with him and dimples?" Edward asked, as they all shook their heads in confusion.
"Hey, it's our thing. It's the only thing that lets me know, that she's my sister and not some stray. I mean look, that's how we found Jasper." He laughed, his chest rumbling with each breath causing me to bounce around on his lap.
"Ha, Ha Em. Very Funny." Jasper huffed. I just shook my head at them as I lay back against his chest. We continued watching television, until we heard the back door. That meant only one thing; daddy was home.
"Daddy!" I screamed, from my newly acquired seat on Edward's lap."Aw, there's my angel." he beamed; opening up his arms, as I happily ran into them. He peppered my face with kisses, while I squealed through my fits of laughter.
"You never greet us like that. Let alone, call us angel." Emmett grumbled.
"I don't need to. Sometimes you act like a demon and besides your mom does it for me, mama's boy." He laughed; patting his shoulder, as he headed into the kitchen with me still perched over his shoulder upside down.
"Daddy, you're making me sick." I mumbled, feeling all the blood rush to my head.
"Charles Drew Swan! Put her down this instance." my mother said, although she had a smile upon her face.
"Sorry Dear." he cooed, settling me down on my feet, as his went behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, as she finished making dinner.
"I know." she smiled, turning around gazing into his brown eyes with her blue ones, as he pressed his lips against hers. I scrunched up my nose, as I heard a booming voice.
"Ahh! My eyes. Grab the bleach! Mom and dad are making out. Gross!" Emmett hollered breaking them from their reverie as they all entered. Rosalie promptly smacked him on the back of the head, as they rest laughed.
"Whatever Son. Just remember without that little kiss of ours, you wouldn't be here." My dad smiled, his arms still wrapped around my mother's waist; his heard on her shoulders.
"Eww, too much information! Besides, Bells was here to witness it. Poor kid's probably scarred for life." Emmett grumbled, sitting down at the table; the other's following behind him.
"That's nonsense, right Bellie?" My mom said, placing her homemade lasagna on the table. I just shrugged my shoulders, as she rolled her eyes before sitting down at the table. They were all at the table sitting, while I stood there glaring at them. You would think they learned by now, or at least have gotten another seat for me to sit in. I cleared my throat loudly at them, as they turned to me."Oh!" They all grumbled, but it was Jasper who opened up his arms for me, as I walked over to him and got in his lap.
"It's so nice to see I'm loved." I grumbled, as Jasper kissed my forehead.
"Sorry sweetie." My mom cooed, handing me a small portion of lasagna and a piece of garlic bread.
We continued eating, followed by random bouts of conversation when my dad spoke up.
"Hey guys. I've been thinking. Before the summer's up, or well before you guys go back. I think we should go on a trip." He smiled.
"A trip?" Jasper said.
"Yep. I think it'll be nice for us to go out as a family." my mom grinned.
"We can go too right?" Alice asked.
"Of course silly. You're family. Just because I didn't give birth to you doesn't mean you're not my girls. They both grinned, as Edward huffed.
"You too Edward." she smiled as he grinned back.
"So what do you suggest?" he asked.
"How about camping? I know a site a little bit away from here. We could go maybe next week if we wanted to." he said.
"Camping?" Alice's nose scrunched up.
"Don't give me that face. It'll be fun and besides what's the worst that could happen?" he laughed as we were all left to our thoughts.
Well that was weird. I thought to myself as I turned over, and snuggled back into the pillows. I didn't even get the chance to reflect back on my dream, as slumber took over once more.
Screams…Blood…Gasoline….Fire… Nothing….
It's the same dream, that's haunted me forever. I watch on scared, as I take in my parent's expressions. My father's face hidden from my view, but probably terrified as he struggles to get a hold of the wheel to keep us on the road. My mother's expression; her face so frightened; her blue eyes looking at me lovingly, knowing that this just may be the end, just before we hit impact.
Crunch!
I look around to check the others in the car, but their faces are blurred, but one face catches my attention. Edward. He tries to grab on to something, anything to save himself. The expression on his face looks so fearful as his screams permeated the air, louder than the others as we all try to brace ourselves.
Suddenly I'm flying, weightlessly through the air. I scream, and scream weighting to hit the asphalt, but I never do. I land on my feet, feeling the vibrations of the ground go through my feet. I stagger forward, and look on. The car totaled, the scent of gasoline so strong, that even from this distance, one flicker of flame could light up the twilight sky.
I stagger forward, as I break out into a full sprint. I can hear the groans and moan echoing from the car, pleading me for any help. I'm running and running, but my feet seem to be planted to the ground.
"Bella! Help us. Help us!" They all screamed, as I try to run. My feet still won't move.
'"You're killing us. You won't save us!" They screamed again, as I felt the tears falling down my face.
BOOM!
I covered my ears, as a glow of orange and blue light spread, illuminating the night sky. More glass shatters, embedding in my skin as the screaming suddenly stops. I look up frightened to what used to be my family car.
"No!" I screamed as I ran forward, my feet actually propelling me to where I desperately wanted to go to the most, but I stopped in my tracks. As I passed by a few shards of glass, the glare off a few made me I take in my appearance. Gone was the five year old, and was now replaced with my seventeen-year-old self. I had dark circles under my eyes, and even the expression on my face seemed to haunt me. I looked down at my tattered clothes to see them drenched in blood. Blood that was not mine.
Suddenly I'm in front of the wreckage. Its all ashes. I frantically claw at the ground, searching frantically, for anyone in the car, but find nothing. I hear a groan and turn my head to look into the sullen eyes of Edward, although I find them to be a shocking shade of jade instead of the topaz I was accustomed to. He's burnt badly, the blood pouring from his wounds as he stares at me. He's in agonizing pain, as tears fall from his eyes; the jade beginning to fade to black.
"Edward!" I cry, as I crawl over to him. I try to touch him, but he screams causing me to fall back.
"You killed me. I thought you loved me." he moaned.
"I do love you." I sob, wrapping my arms around my waist trying to hold myself together.
"If you did, you would have saved me. You killed me." he whispers, before becoming silent. All movement halting from his body.
"Edward! Edward! Edward!" I screamed, grabbing his lifeless body.
"Edward, Edward." I whisper through my tears.
"Wake up love." I hear a voice say, as I try to open my eyes. My face feels odd. I touch the skin under my eyes and realize I had been crying in my sleep. I fully open my eyes to gaze into the warm topaz eyes of Edward. Before I can realize what I'm doing, I throw myself in his arms as I begin to sob."I'm so…sor…ry." I cry into his chest, as he wrapped his arms around me.
"What for love?" he asks, concerned etched in his voice.
"I….I killed you." I cried.
"No you didn't you silly girl. I'm right here." he said into my hair, his breath tickling my skin.
"You…you said I killed you." I said, grasping on to his shirt for dear life. He just rocked me back and forth, as he whispered in my ear. This is when I noticed how deliciously mouthwatering he smelt, and I actually found myself calming dawn just from his scent.
"I would say no such thing. Bad Dream?" he cooed. I just nodded my head."I had a dream about the accident. I think I killed my family They died because of me." I answered.
"He suddenly got quiet, before grabbing my chin in his hand forcing me to look at him."Bella. If I know anything, it's that you are not responsible for their deaths. You couldn't have prevented it, it's inevitable. It was all a bad dream." he said sternly.
"How can you be so sure?" I asked, looking into his eyes.
"I just know. How about you go take a shower and I'll go downstairs to see if Esme's finished cooking breakfast." he smiled, although I could see a hint of worry in his eyes.
"I'm not really hungry." I answered, although my stomach decided to betray me and growl loudly.
"Well I believe your stomach decided otherwise. Besides, I believe we have a few things to talk about." he said sadly and I instantly knew what he was talking about. Tears threatened to spill once more as he rocked me in his arms, until I calmed down.
Once he was satisfied that I was okay, he headed downstairs to check on breakfast. As I looked around at my surroundings, I noticed that I was indeed in Edward's room. That explained why the sheets smelled so good; honey and lilac. Not wanting to leave the confines of his bed, I grudgingly got out and walked over to the bathroom.
My appearance didn't surprise me. I had dark circles under my eyes, and my face was red and blotchy. My hair was a tangled and disheveled mess on the top of my head. I was so embarrassed that Edward even had to see me that way. I would be lucky if he even decided to come back. My limbs felt stiff and sore as I stepped into the shower.
All I could think about was my dream last night. Not only did my nightmare continued to haunt me but the dreams of me as a little girl left me with many unanswered questions. Why the Cullen's of all people would act as my family in my dreams? Usually with most of my dreams, I wasn't even conscious of my actions, but with this dream, it felt so real. Emmett and Jasper as my brothers just felt so normal. Sometimes I wished I would stay in the realities of my dreams instead of actually suffering through the real thing. I was just so tired. I had so much on my plate and I honestly didn't know what to do. My best friend was dead, and I was still seventeen. Seventeen not eighteen. I would have to go back. Just when I finally had a little stability in my life, it all came crashing down. I didn't realize I was crying again until I heard Alice's voice outside the door.
"Bella?" She said quietly. I turned off the shower and stepped out wrapping a towel around myself.
"Yeah Alice?" I responded, my voice raspy and hoarse.
"I laid some clothes on the bed for you." she said.
"Thank you, I really appreciate it." I said sincerely.
"Oh you're welcome, and Bella?" she said.
"Yeah Alice?" I said leaning against the door.
"Just remember you're not alone." she said as I heard her footsteps patter across the floor and the door shut.
"Well that was extremely vague. Opening the door, I was immediately hit with the cool air against my flushed skin. I went to go see the clothes Alice had laid out for me, I was glad to see it was nothing too ostentatious. It was a simple pair of black jeans and a blue t-shirt with a panda on it. I even cracked a small smile when I saw she laid me out some sock with bunnies on them; very Alice.
After getting dressed and pulling a brush through my wet hair leaving it in soft waves, I timidly stepped out and headed towards the stairs. I figured everyone was either gone or downstairs since I didn't hear any noise coming from upstairs. I was still feeling a little nauseous and hoped that whatever Esme had prepared for me would stay down. After taking one agonizing step after the next going down the stairs, I saw that everyone was in living room watching television except Esme and Edward.
Although I was making very timid steps, they must have heard me because they all turned my directions with sympathetic glances.
"Good morning Bella." They all said smiling, but I could see the worried glances on their faces like they were waiting for me to crumble at any given moment. I didn't blame them. I didn't know myself If I was even going to make it through the day.
"Good morning/" I whispered, looking at my feet as I headed towards the kitchen where Esme was settling a plate of grits, eggs, and toast on the table as Edward poured me a glass of apple juice.
"Good Morning Bella," She smiled kissing my cheek.
"Good morning Esme." I said, trying to smile although it probably looked like a grimace.
"I hope you're feeling better." she said, brushing a few strands of hair form my face.
"I honestly don't know yet." I answered truthfully.
"Well I hope so. Call me if you need anything. We'll be in the living room." she smiled, before exiting Edward following behind her.
"Um Edward," I started as he turned around to look at me.
"Yes love?" he answered.
"Do you mind sitting with me? I could really use your company." I said, looking at my plate. He stared intensely at me, which was doing nothing to calm my building anxiety.
"I mean… you…don't ha…have t…." I stuttered, my heart beating furiously in my chest.
"I would love to." he smiled, walking over and sitting down beside me on the stool next to me.
I ate in relative silence, while he absently minded played with a strand of my hair. It was such an intimate gesture but it didn't seem to bother me. Once I was finished, I got up to put my dishes in the sink, but he stopped me.
"Let me." he simply said, grabbing them and settling them into the dishwasher. I looked at him curiously, as he approached me.
"How about we go in the living room. As I said earlier we have some things we need to talk about." he said, reaching out for my hand. I was dreading this part. I really didn't want to speak of anything right now. Edward must have seen the hesitation in my eyes, because he grasped my hands and pressed them to his chest.
"Don't worry Bella. I'm right here. We don't have to speak of nothing that makes you uncomfortable, okay." he said, momentarily dazzled as I gazed into the liquid gold of hi eyes. I just shook my head, as he kissed my hand.
"Let's go." he said as he pulled me out of the kitchen and into the living room, my heart rate elevating with each step I took.
"You okay?" he paused, stopping me in my tracks.
"Yeah, I'm okay." I answered, and I knew he could tell I was lying. I was anything but okay.
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